Empath on a Bender

I’m not so sure the path of least resistance is possible, though the path of LESS PAIN is.

There’s this mental space I go into every once in a while – it’s kind of like limbo, but darker and drearier, though it’s definitely a place where you wait for revelations to happen. The kinda of mental place that has to be cleared of all ‘things’ first so that you can have the damned revelation, if one is due. Revelations usually are just around the bend when you’re in a dark place, or when you’re in trouble up top, meaning – on earth.

I recently found myself going downhill rapidly, kinda just sucking down into the vortex of weird, feeling things TOO keenly – like an empath on a bender…so NOT good. Feeling things ‘too’ intensely isn’t good, nor is it superior, or romantic, or sensitive in a ego-boosting way. It’s actually too self-indulgent, but it happens automatically, and uncontrollably. It just totally sucks is what it really does. So, I was on an empathic bender, so to speak, and I was breaking down like nobody’s business.

I made myself sick over it…which worked perfectly well with the jet lag and the billion hour flight back on Air Ebola, coming back from the UK. So, between jet lag and a raging cold, no sleep AND my personal array of fuckedupness and oversensitivity, I ended up plummeting into that weird subterranean blackout spot, which is also known as the Da’at, in Kabballah. No, I’m not a practitioner, but I just know a little bit about everything in the world – you know that how goes.

So, there in the Da’at, I was really trying to make sense out of something in my life – it’s like I couldn’t breathe until I made it work. And then, once again, the clarity came, as it always does if I actually DO THE DAMNED work (magic) to get there. Once again, it came down to perception; see the shit in a different way, Dark Dee. Doom and gloom ain’t your style, Dark Dee. Shed some damned light on it, Dark Dee. And so, Dark Dee saw her life and her ‘situation’ differently – not rose colored glasses, but just – not all pain and toil and hellspawn, if ya know what I mean.

I just flipped the switch and knew that there was a compromise in how I perceived my particular situation; yes, there were weirdnesses that I’d still have to live with but it certainly didn’t have to be compounded with extraneous weirdnesses. In other words, being that there really was no path of least resistance – not if I actually wanted to feel and remain empathic to the situation – there was a path of LESS PAIN though. Less pain…could it be? Could there really be a path that I could stay on that could give me less pain? Yes, oh yes there was. And is. And that is what I’m on now.

When you feel things intensely, you gotta get a fucking grip, girl. Or boy. You just can’t allow life to chew on you like you’re a fucking chicklet. That just sucks a dick. So, the key is splitting the difference in how you view ye olde Buddhist curse: attachment. I don’t want to DETACH and go for the full on enlightenment, cause that’s a snooze-dog. I want to feel life and I fucking damn well want to feel LOVE – unfortunately, love usually comes with a pain contract, what can ya diddly do? It’s OK though, ‘cause it’s worth it…ish. Love is cool. I love Love, it’s awesome, but holy moly the attachment deal is one ass-kicking motherfucker.

So – relaxing the attachment is the key. For me. I hate that expression, “if you love someone, set them free.” What a hunk of shit on rye, bro. Plus, it reminds me of Sting, which makes my spine dissolve, while I shudder in terror. I don’t want to set the people I love FREE, I want them to be mine, yeah, like possessive, bullshitty crap – that’s me. I don’t want my minuscule amount of love-folks to be away from me, I want ‘em close so I can hug and kiss ‘em and love ‘em up like they need to be loved up. Know what I mean? But that ‘free’ thing – it can be applied to one’s own self. I have to “free, free, set ME free” first before I can stomach a concept like setting someone else free.

And to set myself free, I have to ease up on my need for drama and pain, the kind that develop from attachment. It’s MY attachment, not them. I’m the problem, I’m the perceiver. I’m the one who chooses the road I walk on.

And so, to hell with hyper pain and overt sensitivity – I’m relaxing that shit out. I can still feel it all, but why add the extra bullshit pain, especially when it’s an OPTION and not a necessity. That’s the kicker – super pain is an option.

Choose yer battles wisely. Life is short, and there is no path of least resistance – but there is the path of less pain, and perception is adjustable, thank fuck.

See ya on the road, mate.


Author: Dark Dee

Yeah, I'm that Dark Dee.